Crimes Against Cooking: USA Versions Of Food That Non-Americans Won’t EatBy Farah J
We speak for every non-American out there right now who is sick and tired of “chefs” in the United States ruining their favorite foods by adding some unique…flavor. Don’t get us wrong, we love Americans, and we love their food. But there’s a line between American food and the American version of food, don’t you think? American version of “international” food gives us the creeps; our faces turn blue when we see beef flavored soup served with seafood or boiled eggs, or cheesy popcorn. We like that they are creative with their “food fusion,” but inventive meals require some brainpower and a good sense of taste. American culture is likable, but when it comes to Americans mixing random spices and edibles with original food recipes, non-Americans couldn’t resist making a long list of American versions of their food that just doesn’t sit well with them!
White cheddar popcorn
Take a trip to any grocery store in the United States, and you’ll find more flavors of foods than you could ever have imagined. And it’s certainly not a bad thing! We love to see diversity and experience rushes of new flavors and foods.
One place you might not expect that variety is popcorn flavors. Caramel corn and chocolate-covered popcorn are mouth-watering, but cheddar cheese? Who had that idea? Sorry to any British readers out there who might be feeling a bit nauseous at the thought.
If you mix random sauces that you find in your fridge and call it “French dressing,” well, honey, we got news for you. There is no such thing as mayo and ketchup French dressing. Anything other than original French dressing is just an American sauce pretending to be real dressing.
If your intentions are pure and you want to eat real French dressing with your loaded fries, the recipe is quite simple. All you need is extra virgin olive oil, vinegar, mustard, shallots or garlic, and a pinch of salt. Tada! You’d never go back to the American version once you try this one!
Pigs in bacon
Americans and their love for bacon are famous worldwide. There is not one thing in American culture that doesn’t involve bacon somehow. If not the bacon itself, there must be bacon-flavored ingredients in the food. The point is Americans love bacon.
They put bacon in absolutely everything — pasta, lasagna, sandwiches, burgers, wraps, toast, soups, pizza, you name it. This is why non-Americans find it weird when Americans eat pigs in a bacon blanket — like, why would you wrap your sausage in bacon? It doesn’t make sense!
If you’ve never had croissants, then you’re missing out, pal. Croissants are savory goodness in the form of a layered pastry. These pastry layers are usually threefold and are filled with delicious butter. The original croissant recipe will leave you asking for more!
But Americans had to ruin this deliciousness with their freaky food experiments. Apparently, some wannabe chef decided to turn the pastry into the bread of a sandwich. They even grilled and deep-fried them! Why would you throw such a heavenly thing in hell? This is just offensive to French croissants.
If you don’t like chocolate, chances are you ate American chocolate the first time, and now you’ve generalized the concept of what chocolate tastes like. Well, if you ask us, chocolates aren’t generally supposed to taste like what they make there.
Their chocolates are simultaneously too sweet and too bland. We didn’t know it was possible until we tasted one ourselves. And let us tell you, Americans do not know what chocolate should taste like. Either that or they have weird taste buds that like it that way.
When we talk about comfort food, it’s either ice cream or Chinese food. This is something most of us have in common, right? If you haven’t had authentic Chinese food ever, we recommend you put it at the top of your wishlist.
It’s all about taste and flavor, but Americans had to add their own twist to it. Oil is a staple in many American dishes, and they’ve added that to Chinese food, too. By adding pointless spices and oily ingredients, it’s more like spicy noodles with greasy chicken and egg-fried rice.
Hummus originates from the Middle East, but it has made its way into the fridge of every grocery store in the United States. Although, the ones you’ll find at the store are far from their original taste. Meat, eggs, and beans are not uncommon in American-style hummus.
In the Middle East, hummus is usually used as an additive to dishes and is eaten with pita. But Americans did this weird thing and turned it into a dip. Don’t believe us? Try a veggie platter in the US, and you’ll see the bowls of hummus for dipping veggies into.
Frosting over cinnamon rolls
In Sweden, cinnamon rolls are enjoyed as-is; no additional flavorings are necessary. But in America, these sugary rolls are dipped into every conceivable type of frosting you can imagine — caramel, cheese, cream cheese, as well as the common sugary glaze.
Just say no to frosting over these delicious rolls, please! If you don’t know what we’re talking about, then chances are you’ve only tried this desert in North America. Try the original recipe of layering the rolls with egg wash and powdered sugar before baking, with no topping afterward. See which one you think tastes better.
Cuisines around the world are known for their spices and flavors. For example, Indian food is notoriously spicy, often to the point that non-locals have trouble eating it. Americans, however, are the exact opposite. Americans, however, are the opposite; their dishes often lack any flavor whatsoever.
Americans do this thing where they solely eat boiled spaghetti, or maybe simply add tomato sauce straight out the can or melted butter. That’s it. They don’t saute onions or garlic, neither they use any spices or sauces. It’s just them and their bland spaghetti.
Chorizo and eggs in paella
This American version of a Spanish dish almost looks like Americans are taunting Spaniards or something. Because why would someone put a dish in an oven which is supposed to be cooked at the stove? And boiled eggs? What’s up with the Americans and their eggs?
Paella is a sickly delicious traditional Spanish dish that includes rice, seafood (especially fish), meat, and lots of veggies. It’s a super tasty dish that will leave you licking your fingers. But Americans decided to add chorizo and boiled eggs to it! And make it in the oven, too!
If you don’t know what root beer is, let us explain. Root beer is a sweet, non-alcoholic beverage made out of the root bark of Sassafras trees. Their vine gives root beer the iconic flavor. This is one of the most popular drinks among North Americans.
While this is not hated worldwide, there’s one country that you won’t find it in: Japan. For some reason, Japanese people strongly dislike root beer, and we don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s too sweet for their taste buds?
For a nation that loves cheese to death, it is rather a disappointment that they don’t know how to make it. Well, Americans know how to make it; they just don’t know how to make it good. And it’s a surprise because they seem to add it to any possible food.
Cheese is a necessity in their lives — it’s a meal’s requirement! But what we don’t understand is why they are so poor at making cheese. They process it so much that the cheese loses its original taste. Such a disgrace!
We’re here to lend a shoulder or give a listening ear to the people who feel like crying or ranting about how much they hate the fact that Americans ruined sushi like this. We feel you; we hear you. Their take on sushi toppings is an injustice.
Trying to find an easier alternative “solution” to the classic sushi topping, Americans trashed the whole thing. They thought they did something good when they mixed wasabi in soy sauce. Other than this, they use ginger as a topping, too!
Applesauce is delicious! But only as an ingredient in baked items. Well, at least, that’s what non-Americans think. Around the world, applesauce is made from apple cider and cooked apples and turned into a puree, which is mostly used as a butter replacement.
This applesauce is used in baking because it keeps the bakery item soft and moist. However, Americans eat it like it’s a meal. And the store-bought jars are a sugary disgrace. It is another example of how sweet-toothed Americans are — they drown their meals in applesauce!
Tea, or microwaved water?
It’s universally known that British people love their tea. This might be why they refuse to drink tea prepared by Americans. To them, a microwaved mug of water and a tea bag is considered a cup of tea. We’re having a flashback to the plain pasta with this one.
Tea — proper tea — is boiled water, real tea leaves, milk, sugar, and other tea spices. And the water should come from a kettle, not the microwave! What Americans drink is nowhere near tea. Pro tip: if you’re a lea lover, bring your own teabags if you visit the United States.
This isn’t a commonplace food everywhere in the United States, but it’s a staple in some places, especially the South where it originated from. If you didn’t know, grits are made of stone-ground corn or hominy. They are boiled and combined with butter and milk.
Non-Americans hate the idea of eating grits, mostly because they associate it with eating rocks. Grits don’t taste bad, though — it’s almost like eating homemade cornbread. If you like that taste, then maybe it’s worth a try. Either way, some people think it’s a weird invention.
What is with Americans’ love of soda? There are dozens of flavors, yet Coca-Cola and Pepsi seem determined to roll out new flavors each year. And some of them don’t even taste good. In 2019 Coca-Cola tried out blueberry and strawberry flavors. Who thought of that?
Sodas are already sweet, and adding a touch of fruity and bubble gum flavors is too much for our tastebuds to handle. And it’s not just the flavors, but the frequency with which they drink it. For some, it seems like they use it as a water replacement!
For Americans, there are never enough espresso beverages. Meanwhile, for everyone else in the world, it’s already twice as many as we need. But that won’t stop our American friends from whipping up new espresso drinks. It’s like the soda and coffee companies are in competition to make as many new drinks as possible each year.
How do they even think to make more? Apparently, fusion drinks and ingredients are the answer to everything. And Americans are so used to drinking espresso they have no problem trying the new ones that come out. However, non-Americans’ taste buds are not used to that much bitterness in a drink.
Pierogi with cheese
You know how tasty pierogi is, right? If you’ve been to Europe, you probably had a ton of these during your trip. But did you ever feel the need to eat pierogi with…cheese?! No, right? Well, Americans did. Surprise, surprise.
By now, we feel confident in saying that Americans’ strong suit is not cooking. Their concept of food fusion defies all logic. We’re all guilty of trying weir food combinations, but they’re usually something we experiment with in our own kitchen. We don’t make these concoctions real and serve them at restaurants!
Fish and chips
Did you know that food in commercials is often fake? Artificial colors and camera tricks are used to make the food look as tasty as possible, which is why your orders never look as good as what you saw on TV. One example of this false advertising is fish and chips seen in American movies.
What you see isn’t what you get. It may seem like a mouth-watering dish on the screen, but ordered at a restaurant, it’s a whole different story. They’re bland and ultra-flavor-less, as many non-Americans agree. Especially the Brits. They simply pretend that this dish doesn’t exist at all.
If you’ve never heard of poutine, then maybe you’re familiar with cheese fries or loaded fries. Poutine is the Canadian dish of potatoes, gravy and cheese curd. The original recipe has fries covered with cheese curd topped with a little gravy.
But the Americans took the recipe and turned it into something else. They took this dish and turned it into their own “cheese fries” or “loaded fries” by dumping every topping they could think of on it — jalapenos, tomatoes, bacon, olives, etc.
Carbonara with cream sauce
We’ve talked about how Americans ruin pasta by eating it without flavoring. When they try to add some taste to it, the result is just as bad, if not worse. The American version of creamy carbonara sauce may look the same but tastes wrong.
The authentic carbonara sauce recipe invented in Italy contains egg white and raw pasta water. That’s what gives it its creaminess! The addition of actual cream just takes away all the flavor and originality of the wondrous Italian carbonara sauce.
With many of the foods on the list, there seems to be a divide between Americans and, well, the rest of the world with these dishes. Here’s another way to tell where someone is from. Ask them if they heat their avocados.
It’s a shame to ruin such a tasty fruit by tossing it in the microwave. Who even came up with that in the first place? Avocados are perfect the way they are; pair them with eggs or add them to the fruit tray, make smoothies. But no heating!
Tapas originated from Spain, but upon reaching the United States, something new was created. The original dish can be found in tapas bars and cafes across Spain, but the American version would never be served there. Sure they might be called tapas, but the two dishes are not at all alike.
Tapa bars never took off the United States, so now the dishes that share the name are simply a few ingredients in small bowls. That’s it. This American version recipe is nowhere near the original one, and we cringe at this fact. They should stop with the food fusion already.
Pasta in goulash
Originating in Hungary, goulash is a vegetable soup made of root veggies, beef shanks, potatoes, and Hungarian dumplings known as Galuska. Sounds delicious, right? If you go to Europe, your tastebuds will surely be pleased. But in the United States…
Americans saw this yummy dish and thought, “let’s add pasta!” The soup somehow became “stew” and is honestly offensive to the traditional cuisine itself. The lesson here is to try new foods in the country they started in. That way, you won’t get weird food combos.
Deep dish pizza
We’d just like to take a moment to thank Italy for the greatest food invention ever — pizza. Just the thought of different flavored pizzas covered in the original marinara sauce makes us drool. This “twist” on the dish is something even Americans disagree on: deep-dish pizza.
As if adding pineapple to pizza wasn’t insulting enough, they had to deep fry the dish! They crossed a line, in our opinion. Just don’t tell anyone from Chicago. They might be offended by any insult to their pizza style.
If you are an American, you’d probably be salivating right now just by hearing the word beef jerky. It’s a popular treat that can be found in shops all over the country. For those of you who don’t know what it is, it’s mashed beef dried with salt.
And, of course, Americans mixed in random spices to create endless flavors of this food. While it can be eaten as is, they also mix it in other dishes such as pasta, lasagna, burgers, sandwiches, etc. But non-Americans, especially Brits, question its entire “disgusting” existence!
Three words: this is absurd! First, there is no point in this name. Putting two words of different languages together to make the third name of a dish…is there anything that could be more absurd and horrifyingly cringy than this?
Chai tea in the United States is an insult to the Indian drink. Chai is the Hindi word for tea, which is a hot beverage made from tea leaves, water, and milk. But chai tea is the opposite; it is “tea” with ice cubes in it!
Banh Mi sandwiches
One of the most popular and loved dishes in Vietnamese is banh mi. It’s bread; well, it literally means bread, so… Before we tell you what horrific deed Americans did to this poor dish, we’d like to tell you what the original Vietnamese version of it is.
Banh mi is originally made like a baguette. It has gone through multiple changes, but the basic idea has remained the same over the years. What Americans did was that they took banh mi bread and turn it into a sandwich! Apparently, they saw croissant sandwiches and decided to try it with different cuisines.
When it comes to Americans making cupcakes, there are two parts that we talk about: the baked cake part and the top frosting part. Non-Americans find it very unappetizing that Americans ruin their delicious cupcakes by adding too much frosting on them.
The cakes are already sweet enough. There is no need for that much sugary frosting on top. It takes away all the rich goodness of the cupcake and throws it right out the window! We are confused and, honestly, a bit disturbed by Amercians’ obsession with sugar.
You probably wouldn’t be surprised at all if we tell you that this dish is just Americans being Americans. This is the dish that was supposed to be based on the crab wontons, an Asian dish, but now it’s crab rangoon which can’t be found anywhere in Asia.
It took a brave soul to come up with this dish. Nobody eats stuffed crabs where the special ingredient is milk. To top it off, the crab-filled wontons are paired with cream cheese for a creamy sour flavor. They are sometimes sweetened, depending on your taste.
Americans don’t just ruin European and Asian foods, but North American foods, too. Poke is a Hawaiian dish that has diced raw fish and is served with several ingredients on the side of the platter. But mainland United States has a different idea of what poke bowls are.
Americans used their lack of food fusion skills to create a weird version of this dish. It’s a tasty delicacy in Hawaii, but elsewhere in the United States, it looks like a mush of burrito ingredients. Their poke is 99% unrelated to authentic poke; it looks like a cheese platter more than poke.
Bubble tea smoothies
Well, all we need to say at this point is that if Americans don’t know how to make something, they should step back. It’s okay to not know how to prepare a dish. There’s no need to mix random ingredients just for the sake of making something.
Instead of ruining a perfectly good recipe, a proper chef either looks it up or asks whoever they need to, and makes the thing exactly as the recipe says. Just stop putting tapioca pearls in any fruit smoothie and call it bubble tea based on that fruit. It’s disrespectful to the bubble tea.
Cream cheese and fruit sushi
Food fusion should be illegal at this point. You can tell by the name that this American invention will enrage you to the core. Yes, we feel you, especially our Japanese friends. It’s blatant disrespect to their food! Sushi is supposed to be the same wherever you eat!
How could Americans even think that their fruit sushi with cream cheese would be a good idea? This is aggravating how they replaced fish wrapped in white rice and seaweed and soy sauce dip with fruit wrapped in rice with cream cheese dip! Nasty!
Seafood in Pho
Pho is this amazingly mouth-watering, tasty Vietnamese dish that will leave you begging for more. Well, at least the original recipe of Pho definitely will, which is the soup made out of beef stock. It contains boiled noodles and chunks of chicken or beef, but that’s it.
But when Americans tried their hand at it, they decided to add everything in Pho that is edible — boiled eggs, veggies, and even seafood! Why would a sane person choose to add seafood and shrimps in a soup made out of beef? If you eat shrimps in Pho, you’re not allowed to sit with us.
Raw cookie dough
It is a universal truth that cookies bring happiness. If joy was edible, it would be in the form of a cookie, for sure. Everybody loves cookies. But most of them prefer baked ones. Why are we saying that? Well, because in case you haven’t figured out yet, Americans are weird when it comes to food.
Americans enjoy eating raw cookie dough as a snack! Like, it is an actual snack — cookie dough in a tube or with a spoon. You probably have watched in Hollywood movies how kids make cookie dough for themselves and eat it just like that. No baking. Haven’t they heard of salmonella?
If you don’t know what we are talking about, you probably never had the chance to eat American bread. Because if you did, you’d know first-hand what’s making our teeth rot just by thinking about it. Well, let us spell it out for you.
American bread is sweet. Too sweet, actually. It’s like eating candy! We don’t know why they add that much sugar. Maybe to make the yeast rise quicker? Well, whatever the reason is, we don’t want to eat that thing ever again, and we’d recommend you to do the same.
Creamy Indian food
India is famous for its range of spices and rich flavors in food. When we hear the word “spices,” India is the first associated thing that pops up in our minds. But Americans had to go and add their weird twist on things by adding too much cream and sauces in Indian food.
According to Indians in America, their food doesn’t taste the same in America because of the creamy richness. The cream available at the store isn’t the same as the original Indian spices. So, if you want to have Indian food, either go to India or import Indian spices. You’d know the difference!
Vegemite fuses Nutella
If you are an Australian, you are probably a fan of vegemite. Vegemite is a savory spread made of yeast, spices, and different vegetables. It is a flavor in itself, we tell you; there is no need for any additives.
But Americans had other things in mind when they found out about vegemite spread. They spread it on their toast, yes. Here comes the horrifying part: they proceed to fuse it with Nutella or peanut butter or cream cheese. All on the same toast!
Moroccan lamb roast
Moroccan dishes are a lot like Indian dishes. Both of them use several kinds of spices in their foods. The only difference is that Moroccans use milder forms of spices than Indians do. But still, Moroccan lamb roast is one of the things you need to have on your list of foods to try.
This delicious lamb dish is roasted after being rubbed with olive oil, honey, lemons, and a variety of spices! But Americans had to come in and rub their “food fusion” in our faces by adding pomegranates and mint sauce to the dish. Well, you can imagine what the American version must taste like.
We all know how Americans are so obsessed with cereals. And it’s not just in the movies; every household in the United States is stocked with several kinds of cereal in the cupboard. Their breakfast is incomplete without cereal; their comfort snack is cereal, even their movie time snack is cereal.
And on top of that, American cereals are sugary as heck! Too sweet that even cereal gets mold over them due to excess sugar if they remain in the box for more than three days! All that processed sugar goes in Americans’ bellies. No wonder high blood sugar is so common there.
The world gets divided in two on this one — those who love Hershey’s and those who don’t. Hershey’s chocolate is quite famous, and lots of people love it. America’s obsession over Hershey’s is notorious, and even a lot of non-Americans enjoy eating it too once in a while.
Of course, there are those who dislike Hershey’s chocolate with every cell in the body. It’s probably because Hershey’s has this sour taste. After all, the milk goes through the lipolysis process. This makes the haters question the sourness of chocolate that is supposed to be sweet.
If you want original tacos and you’re looking for those found in America, well, you’re looking in the wrong country. Mexican tacos are the real deal! Americans try to make tacos but they haven’t ever gotten them right. Taco Bell may have the word taco in the name, but their dishes are not even close to the real cuisine.
We know Americans enough by now that we can tell why they are unable to open a place for tacos — they don’t follow the traditional recipe! American tacos have a hard shell, while Mexicans try to keep it soft. This difference changes the whole game.
Americans try to follow the recipe but end up doing the same thing they’ve always been doing — be Americans. And we don’t mean it offensively. We just think that Americans try to add their version into everything they see whether it fits or not.
Like, Americans do this thing where they add diced tomatoes instead of making salsa; they are always looking for alternative shortcuts. Well, this leads to changing the flavor of tacos or whatever involves salsa. You’d be disappointed if you try American tacos after eating original Mexican tacos.